just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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