I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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