i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
