If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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