Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
