My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just invented taco cereal.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
