I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
