woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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