Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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