we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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