I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
