is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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