I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
