Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My pussy is not your playground.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
