is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
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do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
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I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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