What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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