She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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