Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How does it feel to date your dad?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
