I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.