I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.