There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
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That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
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I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox