Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am