Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Randomize
