I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
