Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
