I didn't shave. On purpose
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
