is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
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All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
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I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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