I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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