Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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