is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
