Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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