After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
