I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
