So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
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If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
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