what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
