I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
