South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
