You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
