Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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