3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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