I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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