remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
