the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
