He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
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No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
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he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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