I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
