i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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