I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
