I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
