we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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