yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
whose ass print is on the piano?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I will pee on everything he values.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
