Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
