barbara walters just said penis...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
