I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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