tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
