well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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