I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
