I just pynch a tree in the face
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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